An argument about washing the dishes is rarely about the dishes. Often, in a couple, one or both partners don’t feel seen, cared for, or understood, and seek to protect themselves from these feelings using a variety of defenses from sarcasm to indifference. I first work with couples on how they use defenses, and then deepen their understanding of what activates the feelings behind those defenses, the unresolved pain, anger, frustration in each partner, the very feelings and defenses that keep us arguing, feeling alienated, misunderstood, and building up resentment.
Issues often addressed in my work with couples include improving communication and intimacy.